Is This My Truth Or The Truth?

For years I have proudly declared myself an atheist.  How smug I felt as I announced:

“There is no God, obviously.  As if there can be a man in the sky making all the decisions.  It makes no sense, it’s all a load of old bollocks!”

For years I have looked down with pity and almost something that, in hindsight, feels like scorn, on those who “still” follow a religion.  For years I have thought of them as powerless, and stupid fools.  Who in their right mind would believe the fairy tales of that old book, the oldest of books?

The Bible, The Torah, the Quran, The Vedas.

For years I have declared my total faith in democracy, capitalism and science.  Science!

But what a conflicted individual I have been, as I found myself disagreeing with politics, losing interest and attachment to the material world, and struggling for years with chronic health problems that my beloved science could not come up with a solution to.  I clung to my beliefs for years and years, trusting in the system into which I was born, despite living my life in a fog of borderline depression and malaise.  Medicating myself with alcohol and cigarettes, intense exercise, and mercifully small patches of gambling addiction, finding some relief in those addictions, both with the chemicals and with the desperately-needed connections they facilitated.

Why did I drink?  To escape my life.

Why did I smoke?  To ease my loneliness.

Why did I gamble?  To chase money to ease my insecurity.

Why did I pound the treadmill?  To protect my mind from the noise.

I’ve been drunk three times since August.  With each re-entry to the game of self-destruction and merriment I lose more interest in it and the merriment is harder to find.  I no longer feel drawn to it.  The only purpose it seems to hold for me now is self-destruction.  But I no longer want to self-destruct.

Something happened to me when I attended that ecstatic dance two years ago (link here and part two here).  The dance that led to the creation of this blog.  I felt a freedom in the moments during and after which I had only felt before in chemical intoxication.  It was mind-blowingly liberating.  It was the start of an addiction to a new substance.  Life itself.

There was no sense in the self-destruction any more.  I wanted to live to experience life beyond pain.  I had found a tribe.  We sang. We danced. We hugged.  That was just the beginning.  I walked out of that room grinning from ear-to-ear and feeling peace in my heart.  The effect lasted less than 24 hours.  I had tasted the honey, but I could not find the hive.

Then I attended a Tony Robbins conference a few months later, and in the craziness of those four days, all physical ailments and fears abandoned me.  I felt full of life like I had never felt full of life before.  I found a tribe.  We sang. We danced. We hugged. We yelled positive affirmations of self belief and gratitude.  The effects lasted for a few weeks after.  I grinned unconsciously as I walked about the city for days and days, but removed from my tribe the effect wore off.  I had tasted the honey once more, a big old spoon of it, but still I could not find the hive.  I wrote a couple of posts after where I declared Tony to be my Guru (link here and here) – I knew nothing, but I knew enough, at that time.

From these points on I’ve been in turmoil.  Utter turmoil.  Having had glimpses of what life is really about, but living in a world seemingly unaware of it.  A world of fear, anger and sadness.  Where humour is savagely used as a clever defence mechanism to ease our own insecurities and fear.  Defence is a form of offence.  Where ‘love’ is often so greedy and demanding, not free and unconditional.  In our fear so many of us place money and security at the top of our wishlists, if we have enough money we’ll be ok, we’ll have a house and someone will love us.  We’ll be safe.  We may be safe, but we’re not happy.  We sacrifice our families and our happiness for the security.  Who am I to tell you what is what?  I am no one, but I am someone.  However, if me saying that upsets you then you are not free, and therefore not happy.  Not truly happy.

Back to the story.  I was screwed, I’d seen those glimpses of the truth.  I knew that there was more, and I could not stop until I found it.  I had a new addiction forming.  Those glimpses unsettled me immensely.  The longer I spent trying to kid myself that the old ways were the right ways, and longer I held on and fought to re-find my old life, the more sick and depressed I became.  I had swallowed Morpheus’ red pill and there is no going back to the Matrix once you’ve seen it for it is.  An illusion.

I spiralled, a ball of anxiety and worry, my inner conflict pushing my stress levels through the roof until I could not function in your society any longer and removed myself from it.  For 3 months I wandered aimlessly and alone, first in a van in Australia, then on foot around my home London, and then by bus and train around Spain.  Everyone was so envious of that time off, but I wandered aimless, lost, alone and without purpose.  I pretended I was loving life, trying to fool myself into believing it.  The only time I felt truly free is when I was alone on the dancefloors of Ibiza, serotonin pumping into my brain with chemical precision.  Without the drugs, however, there was no freedom.

Eventually I slumped on to the beaches of Thailand, in a pit of darkness, with all but a sliver of hopeful light still burning inside me.  This was it.  This had to be it.  If this wasn’t it then I wasn’t sure I could go on.

It was it.

The spider bite that triggered my fall into poor health some three and a half years ago robbed me of the freedom to enjoy my old existence, but as I look back now I realise I hadn’t been enjoying my old existence, not really.  My behaviour was a facade.  A coping mechanism designed to allow me to survive the fear and sadness locked inside of me.

That spider bite is the best present I have ever received.  A lesson like no other.  It led me to those beaches and that jungle in Thailand, so that I may learn how to find the hive, to find the honey, and my fellow bees.  I spent 10 weeks moving my body, learning about that body, learning the history of our species and the world.  Learning about life.  My life. Our life.  All life.  I cried out my sadness on that yoga mat again and again, and when that stopped I started to shake out the fear, over and over again.  And then, when enough of that fear and sadness was gone, I started to laugh, and smile.  I shake my head in disbelief and tears form in my eyes as I write this and realise just how lucky I am to have been bitten by that spider.  I am grateful for everything that came before, everything, because it led me to this moment right now, where I am sitting in my bed, alone, and yet not feeling remotely alone.  I wrote a post called ‘it’s time to talk about Thailand‘.  This post is really just an extension of that, an evolution if you were.

Two days ago I laid down on the grass in the small park at Rushcutters Marina.  People were dotted around the park, keeping their distance from each other.  I laid on the grass, arms and legs cast open, and stared at the blue sky above me.  My eyes subconsciously closed and I fell into a meditation.  The sun that I now see when I close my eyes started to pulse until it became still, and then the waves of blue that I sometimes see if I watch that sun started to rise from below.  All of a sudden my eyes popped open, I did not ask them to, but as I took in the blue above I was surrounded by millions of flecks of glimmering white light, like angels around me, and the waves of blue that I’ve only ever seen with my eyes closed surrounded me like a wind.  The clouds above moved and formed into  solid shapes, and a pair of lorikeets sped past my vision.  My entire being was filled with a blissful love I cannot put into words, my back arched in ecstasy, a large sigh of pleasure formed at my lips and left my body.  For those ten minutes or so that I lay there taking it all in with wonderment, I truly was in heaven.  I have not touched a chemical in weeks.  I’m making my own.

I am the hive I was looking for.

My ego is screwed, I have seen it for what it is; a manipulative traitor.  My heart knows the truth, my heart is connected to the universe.  My brain is merely a tool to follow what the universe tells my heart.  Of course the ego still rises, but when he does I am becoming more understanding of him and his pain.  He is not me.  He too, is an illusion.

The virus is a spider bite.  A gift from the universe, from god, but I’ve come to realise that you will not accept it if you are not ready, you will not learn until you have felt enough pain.  There is no point in me preaching to you.  You will lament this ‘corona’ virus as an evil that much be destroyed.  Something that must be fought with resilience and science.  I do not blame you.  You did not get bitten by the spider in your sleep.  And yet you sleep.  The virus is a spider bite for the world.  You might contain it with science and the growing war on your own freedom for now, but the virus is not a spider bite.  It is a lesson.  And until the lesson is learnt it will continue to be taught.  It will continue to bite.

Corona means ‘crown’ in Spanish.  The 7th chakra sits atop the crown of our head, it is referred to as the crown chakra in the ancient texts.  The 7th chakra, the crown chakra is our connection to God, to the divine light, to the universe.  We all have one, but sit oblivious to it until someone or something shows us.  Jesus wore a crown of thorns.  The angels wear a halo.  We all wear a halo, some halos burn bright, some are dimmed so much you can barely make them out, but we all wear a halo.  We are all angels. We all have the capacity to burn bright. It is the responsibility of those who do glimmer with hope and love to show the others the light.

My heart is physically, literally, aching right now with the pain on this Earth.  As I walk around it picks up on all of it.  As I lay here in my bed typing I feel it ache.  Only when I remove myself from the external pain and go inwards or to the sky does that ache subside, and my halo burn bright as I feel his loving embrace.

When you have hurt enough, when you have learnt the lesson you came here to this Earth to learn, you will find me waiting for you with arms open.  My heart is aching for you to join me.  It is time to grow a new hive. When you are ready, when it is time, shine bright. Let the world see you for the angel you are.

This blog from start to finish, if indeed this is the finish, has been my truth.  In that first post I declared that I would be nothing but honest.  I have left some stuff out, but I have been nothing, but honest.  This is my truth.  My bible.  But this is not my truth.  This is the truth.  The only truth.

I’m aware that history suggests I may be crucified for saying so.  This is a sacrifice I am now willing to make.  I have no say in the matter.

Love and Peace be with you,











Heaven is a Place on Earth.

People, all around the world, are right now speculating about what is going to happen next.

If/when do we get to go back to work?

How long will the money in my savings last?

Will the banks go under because of mortgage defaults?

Will the airlines ever come back?

When are the kids going back to school?

etc, etc, etc.

What is quickly becoming apparent is that no one knows.  No can say with any degree of certainty what the future holds.

But, let’s think about that for a moment…

Do we ever really know what the future holds?  We have concepts in our minds of what the future looks like, or what we’d like it to look like, but we also know that everything can change in an instant.

We know this, and yet we don’t really accept it, because we spend our lives making these plans for the future anyway, despite having the knowledge that we cannot control the future.

What is happening right now, if you choose to accept it, is that the world is waking up to the reality that the future is just an abstract concept in our minds that we cannot actually control.

And as soon as we realise that to be the case, we then have the opportunity to realise the truth of existence, that the only moment that exists in reality is the present moment.  Not the moment down the track, or the moment that’s already been.  It just is THIS moment.

The past, is also an abstract concept of the mind.  Two people can have the exact same experience and yet in the moment after that experience have two completely different reactions.  The only reality that exists is not that past experience, but the reaction or EXPERIENCE that is being experienced right now.

As you read these words, you are jumping from one moment to another.  The past, whether it be 5 minutes or 5 decades ago may have an impact on how you receive these words.  Because your past experience is at the front of your mind as you read this, you cannot truly be present when you read this.  You cannot fully appreciate the words on the page for the purity of what they are.

So there’s a fun game to be played here.  Can you read this post free of judgement of whether it is right or wrong?  Good or bad?  Insensitive or sensitive?  If you can, then you are free to behold the beauty of the words.

Am I saying my words are beautiful?  Or ugly?  No I am not.  They are neither, because both beauty and ugliness are constructs of the mind.  The words simply are.  They exist.  That is the only truth about these words.  Any interpretation of these words is purely driven by the constructs of the mind perceiving them on this screen. 

And this is life.

This is everything.  It’s mindbending I know, but the moment, this moment, is shaped only by your ability to be present in this moment.  If you allow the past or the future to infiltrate the present moment you are not free to enjoy the present moment fully – for they are just abstract concepts within your mind, remembered or anticipated in a certain way.  They are not necessarily, or even likely, the truth.

If we can free ourselves from our past story, from the stories other people tell us, and from the story we tell ourselves about the future, we become free.  Free to enjoy life completely.  This is freedom. This is what, ultimately, we are all searching for.  Love.

I’ve used the word ‘we’ in the paragraph above on purpose, because this is what needs to happen.  WE, the collective – we are all connected, like it or not, the universe is a giant mass of energy, break it down far enough and everything is energy.  We are one. One is we.  It’s hard to get your mind round, I know, but this is the concept that we should work to get our minds around.

You as an individual create your own reality.  We as a collective also create our reality.

At the moment, the world is experiencing a reality of negative energy overload.

The only way to turn that around starts with you.  You as an individual have an option to live your life in the present moment, if we do that we can truly live, and that is how our energy will flow in a positive manner.  The collective cannot do that for you right now, because the negative energy is in almost total control.


Ask yourself these questions.

Do I choose love over fear?

Do I choose to give up trying to control the future?

Do I choose to accept and be grateful to the past as the lessons in life that led me to this point?

If you can answer yes to all three of those questions, then you are free to enjoy the present moment.  Your energy will shine bright and clear and positively.

People around you will be affected by that energy, since positive energy is attractive and they will be pulled towards your light.

On Monday of this week something snapped within me and I answered yes, truthfully to all three of those questions.

All you have to do, literally this is it, is answer yes to those questions and your ENTIRE reality will change.

Yes I choose love. Yes I give up control of the future. Yes I am grateful for all that came before to teach me.

In fact it boils to one question.

Do you want create your life, or do you want to let the world outside you create it?  Do you want….wait for it….


For a long time the world outside has looked like a pretty safe and ok place, so we, as a collective have been ok with handing over that power.  Now the world outside is a messy, scary place.  Now is your chance, your opportunity, your motivation to step into the driving seat and take control of your reality that you experience in every single moment.

It’s a beautiful gift.

If you choose to look at it as anything other than a beautiful gift then you cannot answer yes to those questions above yet, and your pain will continue until you are ready to, or simply have to, change your perspective.

The world needs this shift right now.  Change it before global war becomes an outcome of our collective fear.  Change it to love.  We do not need to fight.  We are in the kingdom of heaven.  We are the kingdom of heaven.  It is your reality.  Heaven is a place on earth.  If you choose it.  We must choose it to see it.

Please read, re-read, try to understand, explore this concept with your loved ones, and share, share it with anyone who is currently gripped with fear.  Everyone is gripped in fear.  They do not need to be.  Experience is essential.  Suffering is optional.

Please share.

Lot of Love,


Ps. If you want a one on one session with me to help get to those yes’s then drop me a message on here, or via email

Perhaps you’re not ready but know someone that is?



The Words That Really Need No Words

This is the post that all the preceding 50 posts of this blog led to.

This is the piece that makes sense of it all.

This is the moment where my writing, and my being, starts to break free from the restrictive darkness in which it has been swimming.  What I write here might not make much sense to you.

But nothing makes sense, until it does.

Here I am, 50 posts, 2 years, countless stumbles and mini crisis’s later, finding another level of understanding.

My world has today shifted on its axis.

For so long I’ve been happily unhappy.  Treading water in an ocean of pain, confusion, blankness.

I’ve had breakthroughs before on this journey of discovery and discomfort; moments of clarity, moments of understanding, moments of immeasurable joy and bliss.

But this.  This is different.

This is prolonged.  I know this time.  This time is for real.  No triggers or clever tricks are required.  I don’t need a Tony Robbins, or a jungle yoga retreat, or three hour meditations, or chemical substances, anything material, anything fancy, anything glamorous.  I don’t need exhilarating experiences.  or coffee.

I am already buzzing.

Voldemort is done for.

Everything that came before.  The traumatic emergency C-section birth, the warring parents, the unhappy mother, the emotionally distant father, the vulnerable younger siblings, the school bullies, the spider bite, the chronic poor health, the insomnia, the relentless pressure that the Western schooling system places on our children to be better, to do better, to compare each other to each other, to get into the best universities, to get the best jobs, to have the nicest kitchen, the fastest car, to bed the most girls, to have the biggest biceps, the biggest boobs, the smartest suit, the most expensive handbag, the slenderest legs, the perfect tan, the perfect husband, the chiseled abs, the nicest, the best, the sexiest, the, the, the, the, the.

It is a relentless machine of insecurity generation.  And oh how it had it me under its spell.  The self doubt, the self loathing, the self.  The ego.  My oh so wounded ego.

What is the root of insecurity?


We can all see this if we take time to stop and look at it.

Today, however, I can no longer feel that anger towards the injustice of that toxic system which I have so frequently railed against.  The anger that has sat deep inside me, silent, almost impossible to spot, but all the time controlling, dictating my life.

It all came before to provide the blessed darkness.

It’s all there to teach us.

We all have our story.  The things that happen to us.

“Life is unfair!”

“Look what happened to me!”

It happens for us.  Not to us.

It is all a beautiful gift.  The good, the bad and the ugly.

As my rubber band was pulled further and further into the black hole of despair it grew tighter and tighter.

Two days ago the band reached a point where it could stretch no further, and whilst laid out on a beanbag deep in a guided meditation, waves of repressed anger, sadness, rage and shame flowed out of my body, one by one they flowed out of me, fists clenched, legs shaking, head twitching, I watched on as their demonic powers radiated out of me.  Suddenly, the clasp holding the rubber band taught broke, and still I watched, captivated, as my entire being was hurled forward, the velocity so intense that it took my breath away.  My band hurtled out of the darkness and into the light.

The fear is scared.  Love has flowed into my being so fast and so hard that the fear is startled and doesn’t know where to turn.  It knows its days are numbered.  The fear is aware of its own inevitable demise.  It knows that it is no match for this love.  The love flows freely, the fear simply has nothing to cling to and is washing away.


This is the day.

The rocks in my river have broken up.  The dam has broken.  The water rushes through my body so fast it’s as though I’m born anew.  Winter has ended.  The ice has thawed.  The glacial waters rush towards the ocean.  The ocean of possibility.  There is a new energy there.  A new frequency.  Creativity.  A new life.  For so long I wanted only to feel better.  Now I want it all.

As I walked through Sydney’s Hyde park, much quieter than usual, light rain falling from the sky, a rainbow stretching overhead, I sang the indigenous sounds of Xavier Rudd’s ‘Spirit Bird’ at the top of my lungs, feeling the fear of judgement from the few people walking through the park around me ebb away.  Tears streamed from eyes and my heart burst open into a million rays of love, for me, for us, for the world, for everything.

Hey Mana ya Yo Yo Yo

I don’t know what it means but at the same time I know what it means.

I  stopped walking, looked to the rain falling through the rays of morning sunlight and was taken aback by the beauty of what I beheld.  I sobbed with joy.

Finally I see the truth of this life, of this earth, of the teachings of Jesus Christ before Christianity did perverse things with his lessons, turning his messages of love into messages of fear.  Fear to control us.  To monetise us.

I watch the news reported in the media at the moment and can see straight through the web of lies and deceit being wrought to control us further.  Fear is being thrust upon us.  The church may have lost its power in the West, but its methods are still very much in use.

The truth is that we are the universe. Each and every one of us.  We are not separate.  We are one.  Not individuals.  A collective.  To realise this is to realise that hatred or distrust towards another is merely a form of self hatred.  For if one truly loves oneself unconditionally there can be no room in that heart for hatred or jealousy.

God is not some white man in the sky with a beard.

(If you dislike the word God feel free to replace it with ‘Divine Light’, or ‘The Universe’).

God is us.  We are God.

The universe is made up of energy.  That’s it.  Just energy.  Break physical matter apart and all you will find is energy within.

That energy is God, divine light, the universe.

If energy is God, and everything is energy, then how can we not be god?  I am god just as much as you are god.  Jesus talked of it.  The Christ within.  Within all of us.

There is dark and there is light.

Until we realise we are the light there will be darkness.

There is fear and there is love.

Until we realise we are love there will be fear.

When fear and darkness fills some part of us, we are missing a fraction of the light and love we are entitled to.  It is our birthright.  When fear fills more of us than love, then we start to break apart.  We get sick.  We become unhappy.  We look externally, desperately  seeking the thing to fill in the hole where that missing love should be.  A person, an object, an experience.   Anything to make us feel ok.

Love is what we are all really searching for.

John Lennon knew this.

Jesus knew this.

Buddha knew this.

Ram Dass knew this.

God rest their beautiful souls.

Beautiful, blissful, and joyful unconditional love.  This is the true currency of the universe.

This is the state we are born to be in, and this is the state that we choose when we face down our fears.  When we accept those fears and see them for what they truly are.  They are beautiful teachings, the darkness, that finally, when we are ready, allows us to step into the light.

For decades I have stumbled through the dark, not knowing where to turn or what to do.

No more.

I choose love.

I walk around this city I call home and see glum faces everywhere I look.  The smiles are desperately few.  It pains me to bear witness to this.  The world desperately needs light wherever it can be shone.  My torch is switched on and shining right at you.

This is my truth.

Love, Chris