Realising the Error of my Ways

I had a conversation with a client during a coaching call this morning that brought something big up for me, something which has been coming up repeatedly for some time. During the call I’d set him a writing task, and upon reflection I decided to set myself one too. It’s been a while since I wrote anything for this blog, it’s time.

My journey since the inception of this blog is exactly that, a journey, and what is commonly referred to in popular culture as ‘the hero’s journey’. We all have a hero’s journey in us if we accept the challenge. I’m not a hero, I’m just a man who went looking for some answers, found a bunch of them, and then came back to share some of that wisdom with the rest of the mankind. It is a journey has taken many twists and unexpected turns, it has been unpredictable and messy, and deeply challenging at times, and yet without doubt, it has also been the most rewarding two and half years of my life. People reach out to me for guidance now, some are weary travellers looking for a boost to their enthusiasm for walking the path, and some are new explorers, taking their first tentative steps towards whatever it is they’re seeking. I could tell them what they’re seeking, and I will touch on it in this post, but it doesn’t work like that, it’s too much to comprehend, and it’s too confronting. What the hero is seeking must be found by the seeker in order to understand what it is they have found.

And there in lies the reason for this post – a seeker cannot be given what he or she is seeking. Like Harry Potter on the broomstick, the ‘Seeker’ in Gryffindor’s Quidditch team, the seeker must go looking for the golden snitch and catch it with their own bare hands. The golden ball cannot be placed in our hands, nor can we sit and wait for it to fall into our laps. The seeker must go looking, they must open their eyes wide, and accept the guidance from the messengers and teachers who will appear on their path to help them. Eventually it will appear right in front of our noses as if it was there all along (maybe it was) and we’ll find it.

So, if I come back to the title of this post – the error of my ways. I went seeking two and a half years ago after the universe made my life so incredibly uncomfortable that I had no other option. I was sick, sad, lonely and depressed. My life just fell apart from 2016 to 2018 after I got bitten by that spider in my sleep, I ceased living and was gradually, and then quite rapidly dying. Honestly, I had so many moments where I simply could not see any future for myself. I was beyond salvation, it felt like the end was nigh, and I started to frequently contemplate on the fact that perhaps it would be a good thing if I departed this earthly plane of existence. This is how it works, most of us have to hit rock bottom before we find the motivation to say “enough is enough, it’s time to leave the comfort zone and try something different”. And in one moment, one beautiful transcendental moment of clarity I became a seeker.

The first blog post I ever wrote was two days after that moment. That moment took to me to place of such peace, freedom and joy, that it completely transformed my orientation in life. I became a seeker. By the way – if you wish to read about that experience the link is here. What followed that moment is captured in this blog, warts and all. I have many other stories from that period of my life to tell, and I sense that some day I may write them all down into a book, but essentially that moment led to the seeking, which led to some weird and wonderful adventures, the gradual uncovering of answers, and eventually I found what all seekers hope to find; peace, love, and grace.

And in finding those things, let me tell you, dear reader, it blew my bloody doors off. My soul is always groovy, but my mind has taken a year to settle down, and really, only now is my body starting to truly integrate with what my mind discovered. So where are the errors of my ways? Well, I’m an open and expressive chap. Not many people openly publish such personal journeys for anyone to read, it was a huge dive into vulnerability and I don’t why I did it, I just did, and it helped. Many people read the blog, I’ve published over 115,000 words and it’s had something like 20,000 views. Readers enjoyed the voyeuristic opportunity to witness my journey, what they have not enjoyed so much was what came after.

What came after was my unbridled excitement. I came rushing back to shout “OMG, guys, guys, look over here, I found something incredible and I want to show it to you”. Of course the response that came back was for the most part, not particularly warm. This is what our society does, we label such people as crazy. The late and wonderful Bill Hicks famously talked about it in his most iconic of comedic routines ‘It’s just a ride’ (link here). Overnight I became an annoying preacher, I ‘woke up’ just in time for the world to go into a Covid-shaped melt down, and took it upon myself to commence lecturing on morality and the right path, the sins of humanity, and how we all needed to look at what I’d found and if we did the earth and all of souls would be saved. And of course, the correct response of nearly everyone (except the frustrated seekers) was “F**k off, you lunatic”. So sure I was of my message that my response to this rejection was to double down on my methods, despite the obvious evidence to suggest they weren’t working.

And there, my friends, there are the errors of my ways. It’s something I have to now sit with and learn to be okay with. The nature of who I am; extroverted, a bit eccentric, a sharer, a carer, a giver, a lover; all these things meant I immediately went public with my discovery and because I hadn’t really taken the time to let it settle down and integrate into my being, I pushed away a lot of people and alienated myself from even more. Of course if I was a client I would advise myself not to have any regrets about that, but it’s a hard one to not to have twinge of regret for, because it meant people I love gravitated away from me, and people whom I could have helped, instead ran as far away as they possibly could.

The reality of course is that I have to accept that and be grateful for what those experiences taught me, let go of any regret and resentment towards the past. By doing so I enable myself to enjoy the present, and look to the great work I can do in the future to shift humanity towards a brighter future. The very act of penning this piece feels like a form of repentance for the mistakes I made, I can feel myself shedding some of that sadness and regret, tears are welling up in my eyes for the third time since I started. To some that may sound pathetic, but this is the nature of opening up one’s heart fully to the world, it expands the spectrum. In the same way that I permit myself to fully experience the negative emotions such as sadness and fear, I also experience happiness and joy to the extent of them transforming into bliss. And that, my friends is what we’re all seeking really, whether you identify as a seeker or not.

The gift I uncovered last year was a means to expose people to the incredible transcendental moment of peace, love and possibly even bliss that I experienced at that tiny sober dance back in June 2018, and because I believe so fully in the importance of those moments I decided to give up everything else and make it my life’s mission to guide as many people I possibly can into finding the same freedom I have found. To alleviate as much pain and suffering in this world as possible. In the past year I have pissed off and pushed away so many, but I have also helped a substantial number of trauma sufferers; grievers; sexual abuse victims; alcoholics; divorcees; smokers; heartbroken, frustrated and beaten singles; chronically sick; perennially depressed, and more. Never in a thousand years would I have dreamt that a mouldy apartment, a spider bite, a blog, a Tony Robbins weekend, a Thai yoga retreat and something called ‘unconditional love healing’ could lead me to this reality I now face. There’s a lesson there for all of us, especially in these unpredictable times. By all means seek answers, but learn to surrender to the way, the way of nature, the way of life. The true gifts lie in surrendering to something that is just a lot smarter, a lot wiser and a lot more loving than we could ever imagine.

Love is the true currency of this universe, the seekers will eventually learn this, and then they cease to be seekers, they transform and become lovers. And love will guide the way, if we let it.

So as much I realise the error of my ways, in reality, has it been such a bad thing? I’m already very good at what I do, I guess I’m a natural. It’s only been a year since I started working in this space and really I’m just getting started. I repented my sins. I ask for forgiveness from those whom I upset, but it’s time for me to let go of that regret, move on, and do what I do best, serve in the present moment. To facilitate joy.

Come talk to me if you’re ready. Ready to find what it is that you’re looking for. I can help you find your way. Feel free to check out my other website for more details

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