The Spiritual Spiderman

Upon hearing this story, someone once described me as a real life spiritual spiderman. I’m not sure about that, but I was bitten by a spider in late 2016, and that seemingly innocuous event did lead me on a wild and often tortuous path to uncovering what others have described as a superpower. This is the story of how a fairly normal guy from England had his life turned completely upside down as he was unwittingly thrust onto the spiritual path and handed the most rude of awakenings. This is how I found myself, found the light, and eventually, my calling.

Until I was thirty-five I had almost zero spiritual inclination. I used to attend yoga classes at a local gym to ease the ever-present back pain, but that was about it. I was a proud atheist.  There was no God in my life, no quantum field, no supernatural, no divine love, just life. Then a little insect crawled into my bed, nibbled on my left leg, wrecked my health, and shook my life so completely to the core that there was simply no avoiding a new path. Down the rabbit hole I went. Frodo left the shire. Harry jumped onto the Hogwarts Express. Dorothy left Kansas. Neo swallowed the red pill. 

I grew up in a pleasant and leafy suburb of South London with Mum, Dad and two sisters. I am the eldest, Laura came along five years after, and two years later came Charlotte. The children in the neighbourhood would play together in the back gardens and ride our bikes on the pavements whilst the mums chatted over tea. It was a friendly community, but it was not a happy home. My father was a policeman on the South London murder squad, a profession that inevitably took a heavy emotional toll, and the pub was his refuge. Invariably I was the one who had to hold space for my mother’s unhappiness, and amidst the turmoil, care for my younger sisters. I was being trained to look after vulnerable women from a very early age, little did I realise that someday it would become my profession. My parents finally declared a ceasefire when I was eleven, and Dad moved out. My young brain resolved to look after these three women, as that was what was needed of me. I would be caring, considerate, funny and kind. I did my chores and I was an emotional pillar of strength. It was only in my early-thirties that I started to reflect on this fact, and what it had meant for me to grow up without a strong male role model. I had forged myself into the man my struggling family needed me to be. Unfortunately that meant I became so good at looking after the needs of others that I completely lost sight of what my own needs even were. It was in these experiences, however, that deep empathy and sensitivity was forged which would later go on to play a key role in my awakening, and then the development of my gift for healing, before it was time to look at healing my wounded masculine. 

I spent my twenties drinking, partying, and working as a project manager in corporate London, where, like many of us, I sought to find meaning in my life through the acquisition of money, experiences and women. On the surface I looked successful and happy. I had a huge group of friends, a comfortable home, a fast car, and holidayed frequently. Underneath the surface, however, it was a different story. My entire being struggled as I battled near constant anxiety. My body struggled to digest food due to the state of flight or fight that I almost permanently existed in. I was deeply stressed, but I had no idea I was deeply stressed. As an unconscious empath I was walking around soaking up the energy of everyone around me, the good and the bad, not realising just how much of the negative stuff I was absorbing. My mind swirled with negative talk about myself. I was riddled with doubts and insecurities. I needed to make a big change, Australia was calling. 

I was thirty one years old when I packed up my bags and headed Down Under. After six months I moved to the famous Bondi Beach to live the dream. However, it soon turned into a living hell. In late 2016 a suspected whitetail spider snuck into bed with me and bit me on my left leg. In the morning I woke up with an itchy purple lump on the inside of my thigh and no idea where it had come from. Around the lump was a large red bullseye rash, the sort typically associated with Lyme disease. The lump itched a bit and I assumed it would just disappear like any other insect bite. It did not. The bite wound remained there for nine months, and in that time my health completely collapsed. All of my bodily systems were thrown into disarray. My body had been troubled for years, but not like this. Looking back on that period, I’m not sure how I survived it. I was living ten thousand miles from my family and friends, working in a stressful job, and my body and mind were utterly broken. I put on a brave face, tried to navigate what I was going through as best I could, but I was barely surviving. I cleaned up my diet, cut right back on alcohol, found a less stressful job, and bought an infrared sauna which I sat in for 30mins every day to detox. I also started experimenting with extended water fasting. These 3-7 day fasts did wonders for regaining some quality of health. I was able to exercise again, my brain started to function better. Life started to look up a little, and then I started to wake up.

It was midway through 2018 that I had my first transcendental moment whilst at a sober ecstatic dance. I went into that dance anxious and uncomfortable, I came out feeling like the golden unicorn which had been kissed by God. Looking back I realise that is exactly what had happened. The feeling lasted less than a day. Two days later I found myself sat on a beach, sobbing uncontrollable tears that didn’t make much sense. That moment marked the start of a period that would see me shed many tears. I went straight home after the crying eased and started a blog to document what was going on. I bought the domain and down the rabbit hole I went, chasing that elusive unicorn experience again. I walked on hot coals at a Tony Robbins conference, I attended breathwork classes, I upped my yoga practice and then she appeared, my mirror. 

In early 2019 I walked into a yoga class and came face to face with someone who I just knew was going to be trouble. I looked into her sparkling eyes and lost all sense of time, space or reason. I moved my body through her expertly-guided yoga flow, trying to focus on my breath, but totally mesmerised by the athletic woman at the front of the class. At one point she came over to adjust my body, electricity surged through me. Little did I know, but this energetic young woman had just awoken the kundalini fire in me. I was indeed in trouble, I went back to her class week after week, I couldn’t keep away. Her eyes danced when we talked, my knees went weak as I walked. I had been infatuated a couple of times before, but never like this, nothing had prepared me for this. Here she was, after thirty five years of searching I had found her, or so I thought. She was dating someone but I was head over heels from the first moment, the twin flame awakening saga had begun, the path to divine union was haphazardly stepped onto.

A few months after our meeting I took off on a trip to Europe to spend some time in my homeland and travel through Spain. After that I was to spend three months at the Pyramid Yoga Centre on the island of Koh Phangan in Thailand. We had jokingly planned to meet for garlic prawns in Barcelona as she was also going to be travelling in Europe at the same time. This was the first of many strange synchronicities. The garlic prawns never happened, she was pulled back to Australia prematurely because of a family illness, and I realise now that God was at play even there. It wasn’t the time for distractions, it was time for me to look deep at myself. Nonetheless I sent her postcards from the places I visited. On the one from Barcelona I sketched a bulb of garlic and a prawn, I bought her a prawn-shaped fridge magnet and headed for Thailand.

I had signed up for a five week yoga teacher training on Koh Phangan. The thinking was that I would learn enough so I could return to Sydney and teach a few vinyasa classes, but this was no ordinary yoga school. I was greeted by a motley crew of fellow students from all over the world, but the star was seventy-something year old David. As a teenager, David had stumbled upon a book about Yoga in his local library and the practice became life. He spent a long time studying with a Swami in India, before he left to set up yoga schools in Mexico, Guatemala and eventually Thailand. The guy is a wizard, he deserves his own chapter. I could probably write a whole book about my ten weeks at that incredible paradise in the Thai Jungle. So much happened. A sliver of light may have pierced my darkness in 2018, but I was about to be bathed in it. 

By the middle of the second week I was losing faith in David and his school. I wasn’t sure what this style of yoga was that he was teaching, but I knew the athletic lycra-clad yogis of Bondi Beach wouldn’t be buying it. He called it ‘Chakra Yoga’. As far I could tell it was a lot of breathing and waving limbs around to Enya tunes. I started to make enquiries at other venues on the island. The universe stepped in, again. During a guided meditation at the end of the week my consciousness casually popped out of the top of my head, left my body and floated high up to the top of the pyramid ceiling. In that moment I remembered what most of us have forgotten, that we are not just the body. I could  see us all meditating beneath me. It was blissful, I was no longer in the painful cage. Then David tooted an old bicycle horn and I came crashing back down to Earth. Everything had changed. Anyone who has had an outer-body experience will attest to this, once you know you are not your body, your perspective on life shifts. After a few minutes of being back in my body I collapsed onto the floor and cried like I had never cried before. Another layer of trauma was unlocked and I wept. I didn’t know what on earth was going on, and I was completely unprepared for what came next.

The following two weeks were a blur of emotion, ecstatic joy and crushing sadness as I rode the waves. The fourth week was devoted to the heart chakra, more heart opening, more revelations, and on the Friday I was invited to lay myself down on the Quantum Sound bed and take a blindfolded psychedelic ride into my own subconscious. It was pure magic. I spent six hours inside my own imagination meeting ten different spirit animals that showed me parts of myself that I didn’t know existed. The last of these creatures was the serpent which wrapped itself around my core, up my spine and then melted into me with a wave of heat. It was wild, but beautiful. These animals showed me all of the untapped power and potential within my being. I stepped off that bed a different person. An hour later I turned on my phone, and there was a message from her. My heart skipped a beat. The postcards I had sent from Spain seven weeks prior had arrived that very day, the day my heart cracked wide open. I left her a voice message telling her in no uncertain terms that when I returned from Thailand we were going for those prawns. The next day she messaged to let me know that she had started seeing someone new and she was moving in with him. I spiralled so hard I didn’t know what to do. I lay on my bed and resolved to meditate until the endless destructive rumination stopped. I lay there practicing yogic breathing as my anxious fingers made their way round my meditation beads, all one hundred and eight of them. After one lap I was still spiralling, so I went for another. Halfway through the second lap something huge happened. My eyes were closed, but suddenly I was bathed in white light and a female voice said “Hello, Chris”. What proceeded was a full blown conversation with what I presume was an angel of light. I was told that they had been waiting for me for some time, and that I did not need to worry, I was going to be guided and protected, all I needed to do was keep in contact and keep the faith.

Three days later I contracted Dengue fever. I spent five days sweating in agony, unable to eat or move. People think getting sick is bad for you, but I’ve come to realise that getting sick is often a purification process for the body. After five days I had miraculously recovered. As I re-entered the yoga shala again for a group meditation I was handed some basic notes on breath counts and visualisations. I didn’t fully understand the instructions so I winged it as best I could. What came next was mind-blowing. As I knelt with my eyes closed, breathing in and out to specific counts and focusing on visualising moving energy around my body, something quite extraordinary happened. My body began to tremble, and then it began to shake, and then it began to shudder. I experienced what can only be described as a non-sexual orgasm that lasted for a good fifteen minutes or so. I wasn’t aroused, but it was the most pleasurable experience of my life. My body shook with intensity and my skin dripped with sweat as a wild fire took over my being. I later discovered that this was what was known as kundalini shakti. Serpent power. In the space of ten days I had been graced by the holy spirit, contracted and recovered from Dengue, and now this. It was a wild ride, and one which took over a year to come down from.

I often tell people that this was the time that the Kundalini awoke, however I know that it was sparked into life the moment she touched me in that first yoga class. The connection with this soulmate triggered a heightening of sensitivity. Like the spider bite she was placed onto my path to help wake me up. A few days after the grand explosion in Thailand I started instinctively laying my hands on people, channeling energy into their being, facilitating often profound healing. And then she called to say she had broken her coccyx, and somehow I worked out how to do remote energy healing to speed her recovery. It worked. Later I moved to Zoom and went international, first with one-on-ones, and then groups. The results were often startling. I had a knack for intuitive suggestion and questioning that could re-write someone’s subconscious programming in a single session. My clients would manifest healthy relationships, new jobs, new homes, health, wealth and peace of mind. I was enabling the dissolution of energetic and emotional blocks that were holding them back in life. What’s amazing is that I never really thought about it, it just happened and I threw myself into it.

Today I am an alchemist, connecting with beautiful souls all the time, transmuting negative energy into positive wherever I go. The back pain that plagued my previous life is gone. It’s a very different existence to the one I had, but I appreciate what a gift it is to experience life in a whole new dimension. A lasting union with my divine counterpart didn’t happen, it was too difficult to navigate, but we do communicate in dreams, and via texts. When the despair at our failure to make a relationship work started to lift, I started to increasingly learn to surrender to the divine will. Today I have one-on-one clients all over the world and run powerful group healing meditation workshops. The nurturing soul that was moulded out of my childhood experiences has remained at my core. I have an intuitive ability to read trauma and energy in people. I often know that people need help before they themselves do. I can tune energy chakras and help clear trauma simply by meditating with the person, wherever in the world they may be. It’s a pretty cool gift although of course it comes with its challenges. Midway through 2021 I began to focus on working with the entrepreneurs and change makers who are designing tomorrow, to help them align their visions and messages with the divine will for this planet and our species. I have faith that the divine mother and father will guide humanity so that we may transcend these dark and challenging times. I am honoured to play my role in that mission, however small or big it may turn out to be. 

Is Suffering Necessary?

A. Yes it is. But it need not be permanent.

I’m not the first one to work this out, but I will be the first one to describe it in these exact words, and well, the world has always needed teachers to pass down knowledge, so here we are. It is the way of things in the world of mammals. We are born, we learn, and then we teach. We traverse our own experience of life as best we can, and then once we have learnt enough, we pass that wisdom on.

Suffering is one of my favourite subjects to speak on these days, and thus that probably makes me a rare breed. One might assume that a proclivity towards what is perceived as a darker element of life would mean I’m also shrouded in darkness, but au contraire my friends. Suffering was a constant in my life for a long, long time, and I swam away it as hard as I could, until I ran out of energy and sank.

You see, what I am going to try to teach you here in this short blog post, is that suffering is in fact one of the most wonderful delights that the human experience has to offer. Sinking was the best thing that happened to me. Hitting rock bottom is what many call it. Suffering, when framed correctly is the most humbling, illuminating, and ultimately freeing teacher. A teacher that can, if framed correctly, bring us to a deeper place of gratitude, contentment and ultimately, joy. Suffering can create a beautiful bridge to understanding what it is we are truly experiencing whilst we are down here, in these bodies.

We are clinging to the good in our lives, whilst being desperately fearful of losing it. That fear of losing what we love ensures we can’t truly enjoy what we love, and will often eventually result in us losing it.

Lost you with that? Hang tight, try to think of it this way. We humans, for the most part, seek pleasure, and seek to avoid pain and suffering. We seek thrills, and spills, and laughs, and love, and sugar and spice and all things nice. We grasp at what feels good, and then we run like mad, like startled deer from what feels ‘bad’. Now, I understand why we do this, it’s because what feels good, FEELS GOOOOD. It just seems obvious that we should run towards what feels good, but here’s the rub: life is a blend, a steady mix of yin and yang. As night follows day; darkness, pain, suffering and things that feel bad are an inevitable part of life too. By running away from what feels bad, and relentlessly towards what feels good, we ensure one thing… Fear will control us. By running from the discomfort we cling to the pleasurable like our boat has capsized and we are holding on to a buoyancy aid for dear life. We are clinging to the good in our lives, whilst being desperately fearful of losing it. I’ve highlighted that sentence in bold because I think it’s the most important sentence in this entire piece. That fear of losing what we love ensures we can’t truly enjoy what we love, and will often eventually result in us losing it (should probably bold that one too). This is the tragedy of the human experience. By turning a blind eye to the inevitable darkness of our world we in fact lose our ability to embrace the copious amounts of heavenly joy that is also on offer. Bliss, or ‘Samadhi’ as the yogis call it, is available to all, but only to those who are willing to dance with the Devil as well as sing with the angels.

So that’s it. It’s that simple. Accept that life has darkness, and acquaint yourself with that darkness so closely that it no longer feels so scary. Find the courage to befriend the stuff that scares you. Suffering comes along as a gift to make us uncomfortable, to prevent us from being able to avoid the darkness within us any longer. Unfortunate events, tragedies, and heartbreak will be presented to us, on a individual and collective level (2020 anyone) to make us so uncomfortable and unhappy that we have no option but to cease our clinging to our hedonistic pleasures and embrace the pain. And when we do, often the pain ceases and we start to blink our eyes wide open to the ultimate truth.

How do you do it? Well just sit it with it all, sit with the entirety of your experience, allow yourself to feel it all. Feel the pain, the hurt, the betrayal, the guilt, the grief, the anger and the sadness. Meditation is key to this, we need to go quiet, and go inwards on our own experience.

Of course, easier said than done. It really helps to have someone guide you into your subconscious with a deep trance state and then sit with you as you face the trauma and supressed emotions, and that’s exactly what I do. If you would like to work with me because you’re suffering or stuck in a rut and can’t see a way out, then head over to my business page at for details on what I do and how to contact me.

Realising the Error of my Ways

I had a conversation with a client during a coaching call this morning that brought something big up for me, something which has been coming up repeatedly for some time. During the call I’d set him a writing task, and upon reflection I decided to set myself one too. It’s been a while since I wrote anything for this blog, it’s time.

My journey since the inception of this blog is exactly that, a journey, and what is commonly referred to in popular culture as ‘the hero’s journey’. We all have a hero’s journey in us if we accept the challenge. I’m not a hero, I’m just a man who went looking for some answers, found a bunch of them, and then came back to share some of that wisdom with the rest of the mankind. It is a journey has taken many twists and unexpected turns, it has been unpredictable and messy, and deeply challenging at times, and yet without doubt, it has also been the most rewarding two and half years of my life. People reach out to me for guidance now, some are weary travellers looking for a boost to their enthusiasm for walking the path, and some are new explorers, taking their first tentative steps towards whatever it is they’re seeking. I could tell them what they’re seeking, and I will touch on it in this post, but it doesn’t work like that, it’s too much to comprehend, and it’s too confronting. What the hero is seeking must be found by the seeker in order to understand what it is they have found.

And there in lies the reason for this post – a seeker cannot be given what he or she is seeking. Like Harry Potter on the broomstick, the ‘Seeker’ in Gryffindor’s Quidditch team, the seeker must go looking for the golden snitch and catch it with their own bare hands. The golden ball cannot be placed in our hands, nor can we sit and wait for it to fall into our laps. The seeker must go looking, they must open their eyes wide, and accept the guidance from the messengers and teachers who will appear on their path to help them. Eventually it will appear right in front of our noses as if it was there all along (maybe it was) and we’ll find it.

So, if I come back to the title of this post – the error of my ways. I went seeking two and a half years ago after the universe made my life so incredibly uncomfortable that I had no other option. I was sick, sad, lonely and depressed. My life just fell apart from 2016 to 2018 after I got bitten by that spider in my sleep, I ceased living and was gradually, and then quite rapidly dying. Honestly, I had so many moments where I simply could not see any future for myself. I was beyond salvation, it felt like the end was nigh, and I started to frequently contemplate on the fact that perhaps it would be a good thing if I departed this earthly plane of existence. This is how it works, most of us have to hit rock bottom before we find the motivation to say “enough is enough, it’s time to leave the comfort zone and try something different”. And in one moment, one beautiful transcendental moment of clarity I became a seeker.

The first blog post I ever wrote was two days after that moment. That moment took to me to place of such peace, freedom and joy, that it completely transformed my orientation in life. I became a seeker. By the way – if you wish to read about that experience the link is here. What followed that moment is captured in this blog, warts and all. I have many other stories from that period of my life to tell, and I sense that some day I may write them all down into a book, but essentially that moment led to the seeking, which led to some weird and wonderful adventures, the gradual uncovering of answers, and eventually I found what all seekers hope to find; peace, love, and grace.

And in finding those things, let me tell you, dear reader, it blew my bloody doors off. My soul is always groovy, but my mind has taken a year to settle down, and really, only now is my body starting to truly integrate with what my mind discovered. So where are the errors of my ways? Well, I’m an open and expressive chap. Not many people openly publish such personal journeys for anyone to read, it was a huge dive into vulnerability and I don’t why I did it, I just did, and it helped. Many people read the blog, I’ve published over 115,000 words and it’s had something like 20,000 views. Readers enjoyed the voyeuristic opportunity to witness my journey, what they have not enjoyed so much was what came after.

What came after was my unbridled excitement. I came rushing back to shout “OMG, guys, guys, look over here, I found something incredible and I want to show it to you”. Of course the response that came back was for the most part, not particularly warm. This is what our society does, we label such people as crazy. The late and wonderful Bill Hicks famously talked about it in his most iconic of comedic routines ‘It’s just a ride’ (link here). Overnight I became an annoying preacher, I ‘woke up’ just in time for the world to go into a Covid-shaped melt down, and took it upon myself to commence lecturing on morality and the right path, the sins of humanity, and how we all needed to look at what I’d found and if we did the earth and all of souls would be saved. And of course, the correct response of nearly everyone (except the frustrated seekers) was “F**k off, you lunatic”. So sure I was of my message that my response to this rejection was to double down on my methods, despite the obvious evidence to suggest they weren’t working.

And there, my friends, there are the errors of my ways. It’s something I have to now sit with and learn to be okay with. The nature of who I am; extroverted, a bit eccentric, a sharer, a carer, a giver, a lover; all these things meant I immediately went public with my discovery and because I hadn’t really taken the time to let it settle down and integrate into my being, I pushed away a lot of people and alienated myself from even more. Of course if I was a client I would advise myself not to have any regrets about that, but it’s a hard one to not to have twinge of regret for, because it meant people I love gravitated away from me, and people whom I could have helped, instead ran as far away as they possibly could.

The reality of course is that I have to accept that and be grateful for what those experiences taught me, let go of any regret and resentment towards the past. By doing so I enable myself to enjoy the present, and look to the great work I can do in the future to shift humanity towards a brighter future. The very act of penning this piece feels like a form of repentance for the mistakes I made, I can feel myself shedding some of that sadness and regret, tears are welling up in my eyes for the third time since I started. To some that may sound pathetic, but this is the nature of opening up one’s heart fully to the world, it expands the spectrum. In the same way that I permit myself to fully experience the negative emotions such as sadness and fear, I also experience happiness and joy to the extent of them transforming into bliss. And that, my friends is what we’re all seeking really, whether you identify as a seeker or not.

The gift I uncovered last year was a means to expose people to the incredible transcendental moment of peace, love and possibly even bliss that I experienced at that tiny sober dance back in June 2018, and because I believe so fully in the importance of those moments I decided to give up everything else and make it my life’s mission to guide as many people I possibly can into finding the same freedom I have found. To alleviate as much pain and suffering in this world as possible. In the past year I have pissed off and pushed away so many, but I have also helped a substantial number of trauma sufferers; grievers; sexual abuse victims; alcoholics; divorcees; smokers; heartbroken, frustrated and beaten singles; chronically sick; perennially depressed, and more. Never in a thousand years would I have dreamt that a mouldy apartment, a spider bite, a blog, a Tony Robbins weekend, a Thai yoga retreat and something called ‘unconditional love healing’ could lead me to this reality I now face. There’s a lesson there for all of us, especially in these unpredictable times. By all means seek answers, but learn to surrender to the way, the way of nature, the way of life. The true gifts lie in surrendering to something that is just a lot smarter, a lot wiser and a lot more loving than we could ever imagine.

Love is the true currency of this universe, the seekers will eventually learn this, and then they cease to be seekers, they transform and become lovers. And love will guide the way, if we let it.

So as much I realise the error of my ways, in reality, has it been such a bad thing? I’m already very good at what I do, I guess I’m a natural. It’s only been a year since I started working in this space and really I’m just getting started. I repented my sins. I ask for forgiveness from those whom I upset, but it’s time for me to let go of that regret, move on, and do what I do best, serve in the present moment. To facilitate joy.

Come talk to me if you’re ready. Ready to find what it is that you’re looking for. I can help you find your way. Feel free to check out my other website for more details

That Girl On The Beach

Two or three years ago whilst I was living near Bondi Beach, on some mornings I would get up early before work and go for a jog on the sand, which is roughly a kilometre in length. Every morning I would jog down to the sand in my trainers, take them off and then run barefoot back and forth across the yellow grains. I would take in the sunrise whilst I ran, and if I was up early enough I could catch it appear for the first time over the horizon, beyond the Tasman sea. I never tired of seeing that sight. The same could not be said of my knees as my bare feet pounded the hard sand near the water’s edge.

What a gift it has been to call this city home for the past five years, I am truly blessed, though it has never felt ‘easy’ here. I moved in with a woman when I arrived and was not ready for the relationship, we were not right for each other, and in retrospect I realise I was awful to her. I have long longed to apologise. I was homesick and lonely. I made new friends, but I wasn’t happy enough in myself to show them my best self. I lost my enthusiasm for my work. I lived in a mouldy apartment that made me sick, and then I moved into a new apartment and got bitten by something in my sleep, which made me even sicker. The four years since have been a hazy blur of faking being ok and working out how to get better. Fighting to heal. The past two or so of which have been documented in this blog. Whilst the symptoms were largely physical, I realise now how much of the underlying cause was mental, and dare I say it, spiritual.

But what a blessing this city has been. I cannot really do it justice. People typically move away from home to find an adventure or to run away from something. I look back and realise that I ran away only to find more suffering, to be less comfortable, and subsequently extended my suffering to the point of not being able to go on living as I was. To wake myself up from the nightmarish dream in which I slumbered. Sydney is undeniably a beautiful city, one of the best, one of the shiniest and sunniest, a land of opportunity, full of beautiful people, excellent coffee, excellent food and some of the dreamiest beaches in the world. It captures the heart of nearly everyone who comes here. It captured mine, and then proceeded to lock it into a pit of darkness.

Two or three years ago, I think three, perhaps late summer, it was before this blog commenced in June 2018, I digress. Let’s just say it was ‘a while back’. I was running on Bondi beach one morning before heading to work. It was early, the sun was just coming up, I was barefoot and listening to some music, probably trance, probably an Above & Beyond podcast or album, it usually is if I’m running. Anyway, I was running, not much else going on, ‘one foot in front of the other and repeat’ kind of deal. Knowing my brain, I was probably riddled with rumination and over-thinking. Running usually went like this for me, I’d run harder and harder, faster and faster, as if trying to outrun the evil demon in my mind that was rarely nice to me. I’d run as hard as I could, until I was so exhausted that I would collapse on to the sand and find a moment of brief respite in that silent exhaustion. The way I attacked a run was a metaphor for how I attacked life. Distracted. Exhausted. Without style. Without grace.

How many people exercise in pain like this? Looking around I reckon it’s like Donald Trump supporters – a large silent majority. I watch people when they run these days, they usually have this scrunched up face of pain or stern concentration. I can see them in the same battle I used to spend my runs locked in. It’s the same thing in yoga classes, and spin classes, and bodypump exercises. Some people seem to go to yoga with the intention of sweating themselves into such a state of exhaustion that they’ll fall into a much-needed sleepy peace in the shavasana at the end. Nearly everyone looks so damn serious. Knowing what I know about yoga now, it’s tragic to behold. It’s meant to be fun, like a dance, but tt’s like their faces say:

“I’m concentrating so damn hard here on finding peace that I have no time for fun. This is not meant to be fun. Finding peace is serious business, I have to sweat or I fail.”

I look at these faces, either stressed, miserable or distant like a zombie’s, as they race past me in the park, or hold a Warrior 2 on the mat, and I feel for them, I really do. I remember what that used to feel like. Occasionally I slip back into that state, but I’m much better at noticing when it happens and then finding my way back out. Much better. It used to feel like I was working damn hard to feel something, but I felt nothing. To prove something, but I proved nothing. To find something that was missing, but I only found more nothing. What was I missing? What are so many of us missing?

That morning on the sand, lost deep in my world of own crap, as my run neared the Southern end of the beach, I approached a girl dancing. As I methodically planted one foot in front of another and panted with misplaced exertion, I ran towards what appeared to be an angel. She twirled, and swirled, and leapt, and swept her hands and feet in circles and lines with a beauty and a grace that to be honest, dear reader, I had no idea what to do with. She glowed in that early morning light. I could see she had her earphones in and was clearly dancing to music whilst bringing her joyous expression of life to that cold hard sand down by the waters edge. We made eye contact for a moment as I ran past and she smiled a smile I will never forget. It was so pure, so beautiful, so full of joy, so happy and loving that I simply could not handle it. My mind went blank. I stopped running shortly after as I had run out of sand, I looked back and watched her for a moment, mesmerised, as she continued to dance.

I realise now, looking back, that it was a pivotal moment for me. She sparked something inside of me, that girl on the beach. She had something I didn’t know I was longing for. Freedom. Love. And I didn’t recognise it in the moment, in fact I don’t think I really fully recognised it until I sat down and started to type this today. Grace.

That girl on the beach was grace appearing in my life at the exact moment that she needed to appear. Grace has continued to appear in my life since, with increasing frequency as time progresses. Katie dragging me to Sydney was grace. The spider biting me in my sleep was grace. The former flatmate, Mathilde, who introduced me to the ecstatic dance that led to this blog was grace. The four days spent with Tony Robbins was grace. The two decades of romantic disappointment was grace. Finding myself in Thailand at that yoga retreat, studying under David, was grace. The woman I have been relentlessly pulled towards for the past year, but whom has always kept me at arm’s length, is grace. My campervan, Vinnie, breaking down and thus forcing me back to Australia was grace, I needed to come back here to find what I was looking for. All along. It was grace. All of it. That was what I was missing, and yet it was there right in front of me the whole time.

My entire life has happened exactly as it was meant to. How incredibly freeing. And my response? Gratitude. Gratitude for all the shit; the sadness; the anger; the fear; the confusion; the suffering; the pain. And all the good stuff of course; the family; the friends; the laughs; the shared experiences; the love; the challenges; the smiles; and the physical touches, and wonderment. And Awe. Look around. Be awed by the world around you. It is terrible, and yet it is awesome. Yin and Yang.

Gratitude. Gratitude for all of it.

A week ago I danced on my own in the park near to where I live, beautiful spiritual music filling my ears, looking every bit the lunatic. I span around and around as I became the music. I twirled, and swirled, and leapt, and swept my arms in circles and lines. My entire being was filled with feelings of love and freedom and connection. I channeled that girl on the beach. With grace.

I smile a lot these days, I smile for no reason other than to be alive. I don’t need anything special to be happy. I have nothing to prove. Nothing to fear. My body demands I take care of it with basic whole foods, plenty of water, sleep and exercise and time and space (yoga/meditation). It’s taken me a long time to get here, and I know the path is never ending, but that death is simply a return home. I smile because I am grateful. Grateful for it all. Grateful for this experience of life, for the grace that I feel within my being, and shows up in my life. It has been so hard, so long, so lonely, so awfully confusing, and yet so magical, mysterious and wonderful in equal measure.

I recognise the look on the faces as I walk past people and smile at them now. People in cities are weirded out by strangers who smile at them. They look back confused, or perturbed, they avert their gaze, turn their heads to their friends, or their phones. They react as I once did to that girl on the beach, it is too much for them to make sense of so they turn from it. I have often longed to leave the darkness of the cities this year and retreat to the light of nature’s sanctuary, but something has kept me where I am, and now I know why.

I no longer despair when people turn from my smile, for I know a smile is all it takes. The seed is sown with that smile. A smile lights up the world. It is part of why those damn masks are so insidious and you won’t catch me wearing one. Like that girl on the beach I am going to do my part in healing this world, one smile, one twirl, one swirl, one blog, or Instagram post at a time. The anger and sadness within me grows weaker with each passing day, the darkness of the world affects me less, and with each spurt of growth I become more assured of my purpose here. It is the same purpose we all have. To light it up. To take each other’s hands and guide each other home, together, with love, to Graceland.

I’m going to Graceland
For reasons I cannot explain
There’s some part of me wants to see Graceland
And I may be obliged to defend
Every love, every ending
Or maybe there’s no obligations now
Maybe I’ve a reason to believe
We all will be received
In Graceland

Paul Simon, Graceland

This truly is the most incredible life, the most incredible experience. The world we inhabit may be currently filled with darkness, but where there is darkness there must also be light. The darkness is no match for the light. It never was, and it never will be. The pain is here to guide us towards the light, and I will shine my torch of love into every dark place I can find.

Together, we shall walk each other home, with style, with grace.

Amazing grace. That saved a wretch like me.



How does this happen? I sit down to write and an hour later out pops 2000 words. Are these words even mine? What is ‘mine’? Nothing. It is all ours.

If you would like to work with me because you’re suffering or stuck in a rut and can’t see a way out, then head over to my business page at for details on what I do and how to contact me.

How Can I Help You?

People often ask me what is I do, I figured it’s about time I created a page to send them to in order to explain it. You can read on, or you can head over to services site:

When I first started working with clients it was mostly friends, generously offering themselves up as guinea pigs in my grand experiment. But then others, strangers, started appearing as if from nowhere, seekers looking for answers, looking for peace – answers and peace they had not been able to find elsewhere. It was a strange and unplanned development, it’s not like I had set out with an intention to become a meditation guide / healer / trauma therapist / transformation coach… it just sort of happened. You may not believe in a higher power, but to me it has felt very much like I was chosen to do what I now do. Very “woo woo” indeed, but here I am, this is what I do, and at some point I accepted that I’m really bloody good at it.

So what is it that I do? I will attempt to summarise it in one sentence: I bring clients into a state of meditation, a trance if you were, and from that place I work with the client to release negative vibrations held within them (suppressed emotions – often from childhood), and then move into re-programming subconscious messaging with new beliefs which are more positive and beneficial for the client. Simple! Typically it takes somewhere between 3 to 8 sessions for a client to get to a place they are happy with.

Many, if not most of us, are carrying old emotional wounds, often without knowledge of what it is that we carry. Sometimes these wounds can be decades old, dating back to early childhood, the memories may be vague, or even gone, but the wound remains. By bringing what is dysfunctional within our subconscious to the surface and then releasing it, often has profound, lasting and hugely beneficial impacts for the person involved. A number of my clients have had huge shifts after just one session with me.

These negative vibrations that we may suppress within us can hold us back dramatically; mentally and physically. They are often the root cause of addiction issues, anger and violence problems, self doubt, self hate, self harm, eating disorders, dysfunctional relationship patterns and so on. They can in many cases also be the root cause of physical ailments, aches, pains and diseases. The tragedy is that they can be released quickly and easily with the help of an empathetic healer like myself, but there aren’t that many of us about, and we are often looked down upon as quacks, regardless of what success we may have had. It is a real shame, but the tide does appear to be turning on this, the world of alternative medicine is gradually becoming more accepted despite the propaganda war that is waged against it.

So that, in a nutshell, is what I can offer. I cannot really explain how I came to have this ability, some may call it a gift although it does not always feel as so. It is however, undeniably a force for good, and I know I have no option but to share it with those who need help, need answers, need peace. Whatever their circumstance, whoever they are, wherever they may be. I have no judgement for my clients, I was a big fuck up at one time too, I have only a burning desire to help them achieve a more positive state. I see the world at large in the same way.

If you’re intrigued to know more I recommend looking at some of the testimonials from some of my past clients – see navigation bar at the top of this page, and/or watch the video I posted on the ‘What is Finding our Form?’ page. If you know someone who is stuck in negative patterns of behaviour, who isn’t very nice to themselves in their head, who is chronically sick, in chronic pain, or even has a disease, who drinks too much, smokes or takes drugs, if you know someone who is ready to make a change, then a call to me might just be what is required. Maybe that someone is your partner? Your parent? Your child? Or maybe it is you? I offer a free ‘no obligation’ consult on the phone, the onus is on you to pick it up and dial.

There is no need to sign up straight away, I like to have a 20-30 minute chat with a prospective new client before we start to work together. There is no obligation at that stage. There is no issue that we cannot work with, whether it be day-to-day stress, general life worries, childhood abuse, adult trauma, chronic illness such as autoimmune disease or cancer. I cannot promise a cure, but I can promise that every single client I have worked with has reported feeling happier and lighter, and that those benefits have lasted far longer than any massage.

When I left Thailand, having spent three months in relentless yoga and meditation practice I knew there had been some fairly fundamental shifts in who I was, and what I was. I turned up on that small tropical island with no idea of what laid in store. I didn’t harbour any dreams of becoming a yoga teacher, I didn’t realise so much of the course would be meditative, I didn’t have a clue, I just kind of ended up there. Looking back it’s wonderful to contemplate on that, because I know now that I was exactly where I needed to be, when I needed to be there.

And so I ask you: Where is it that you need to be?

I found a new level of peace and understanding on that small island, understanding of myself, but also of all of us. I developed this ability, this gift, and now it is my duty to share it so that others may also find more peace, and more understanding in their own lives.

Because really, at the heart of it, that’s what this life is all about isn’t it?

The Answer.

This is all anyone needs to know, and it’s what we all need to know. The seekers will find it when their searching demands it. I did not write it.

This is the answer to every problem and every question.

The answer to all angst, confusion, loneliness, fear and unrest.

It is the solution to all war, all conflict and all darkness.

It is a gift to humanity that we must share openly and plant firmly into our souls.

We must find each other.

We must – all us, ultimately – become friends. We must resign ourselves to truly connect and look after each other – no matter what.

But first we must find ourselves. We find ourselves and from that place we find each other. Hello – I love you – I’m here for you and I’ll never leave.

To gradually bind ourselves together in this way is really all we need to do and all we need to know.

As for why?

There’s a rabbit hole that travels deep down into the darkness inside of us. In the depths of that abyss lies absolute enlightenment – a secret place that is so beautiful that we must forget it if we ever see it or we risk not coming back to this earthly place. We are all traversing through the darkness as best we can, and one day we will find the light on the other side. But slowly we must go, and unless we feel the essential call we needn’t try to cross over in this earthly life. Until we have become strong enough to behold it, it’s dangerous to look directly in the face of truth. It may take many lifetimes to prepare, so be patient. Know you are the champion within, and the more you tap into the feeling that comes through your heart the more you will grow as a human being.

What is at the source is what gives us our love. Our life. It is our consciousness. It is who we all are and it is where this message comes from. It is the greatest secret of all time and all the universe. The holy grail. It can never be told to you. It can only be revealed to you from within. You are in a puzzle, and one day, when you have grown enough love, enough strength, and enough wisdom, you will solve it.

And so, we must learn to find each other, as true friends, whatever it takes, no matter what. To summon the courage to reach out of ourselves and into the eyes of the other. To find our light and plunge our hands into their darkness. And to stretch our hands up through our darkness and into their light.

To find and be found.

To meet and be met.

To hold and be held.

To need and be needed.

To see and be seen.

To trust and be trusted.

And to never ever, under any circumstances whatsoever, give up on each other. In this way we will find what we are looking for and our species will raise itself up within nature like an indestructible web of light in the universe.


Do not underestimate it or devalue it in any way. It is of absolute and fundamental importance. A kind of essentiality that words could never describe. It simply *must* be so. It is the life purpose for all of us. It is the purpose and supreme meaning of life itself.

As for anything else, nothing else really matters at all

(and what an astonishing cosmic joke that is)

I am. You are. We are. It is.


The Universe

If you would like to work with me because you’re suffering or stuck in a rut and can’t see a way out, then head over to my business page at for details on what I do and how to contact me.

I Wasn’t Meant To Live

Foreword: Please don’t start this unless you have 15 mins to read it to completion.  Come back to it later.  If you read only half way it will leave you depressed.  Don’t do that to yourself.  Comeback later.  There’s no rush.

I read a story recently about a dog who gave birth to a litter of six pups.  To the humans who cared for the mother, all six seemed happy and healthy, however after a short while the momma pooch gently lifted one of the pups up, carried it from the dog bed to the other side, where she nuzzled and then left the poor little bugger.  She returned to the ‘nest’ to tend to the remaining five pups.  The little pup who had been outcast cried and whimpered, the mother looked at it sadly, but did not go to it.

The humans, alarmed, scooped the pup up and placed it back in the bed with the others, but it was to no avail.  After a short while, the mother merely picked it up and removed it again.  The humans tried this repeatedly over the next few days.  They made it their mission to save this unwanted pup from its apparent fate.  And they succeeded, the mother eventually gave up on her mission to orphan her apparently-healthy offspring, but at what cost?

That puppy went on to live for thirteen years, but according to the owners was constantly sick, regularly at the vets, racking up huge bills, needing operation after operation, medication after medication, just to stay alive.  Moral of the story:  Momma pooch knew something the humans, though trying to be ‘humane’, did not.

As my own mother was in labour, her body and my own unborn foetus conspired to turn me upside down in the womb and wrap the umbilical cord around my neck.  The hospital staff, seeing my vitals instantly shift, rushed my Mum into the operating theatre to perform an emergency caesarean to save my life.  Western medical intervention ensured I survived, and here I am, thirty six years later writing about it.  But should I be?  Should I be here?  Should I be writing about it?

Nature is life.  Humans are an expression of life.  Life knew that I was a flawed copy, and took action at the last moment to prevent that flaw coming into existence.  This isn’t about right or wrong, good or bad.  The medical staff overrode nature, and so here I am.  But was I meant to live?

Perhaps you think I’m being ridiculous in asking such a question.  Perhaps you think you know better than I do.  Perhaps you think I’m over thinking it.  Perhaps you think I’m being morbid.  Perhaps you are right.  Perhaps you are wrong.  It doesn’t matter.  I express my experience truthfully on this page.  That is all that is certain here.  The rest of it is just opinions, as proved by the use of the word ‘think’.  Right or Wrong.  Good or Bad. Beauty or ugliness -it’s all just opinion.  Conditioning.  Programming.  Fluff.

I woke up at 4am this morning and started to meditate, as I do most mornings these days, but rather than finding peace and calm, I descended almost immediately into mental anguish, and eventually, hell.  I have no choice in the matter, I cannot control it any more, and nor do I want to.  If a downward spiral begins I have to ride it to the bottom, and it’s best to get there as quickly as possible.  This spiral spiralled rapidly, and within minutes I had my face buried in the pillow and was blasting muffled screams into the material of the pillow case.  This was the third morning on the trot that this has occurred.

I’m in a strange period.  I have found this love, a strange love, for everything.  I walk around and feel powerful fondness for all the creatures that I see, from insects to birds to humans.  I feel connected to the world like never before.  It’s like I’ve just upgraded my satellite TV package from Basic to Premium Deluxe.  I understand myself, and the world around me, and all the people in it like never before.  But at the same time my life has lost meaning, all the stuff that used to give my life purpose has ceased to fulfill or drive me, and so the joy has departed.  I’m full of love and patience, but in a deep malaise at the same time.  How do you make sense of that?  It’s something I’m working through.

I made some sense of it this morning as I furiously screamed my final bout of rage into the poor pillow.  When I enter one of these spirals, obviously it’s not a particularly pleasant experience, but at the very bottom I fall out and into a void of wonderful nothingness.  It is there where the true revelations seem to occur, the clarity of my existence becomes clear.  When my third eye bursts open and I intuit what I need to intuit.  The spirals aren’t always downwards into hell, sometimes they cycle up into heaven and when I hit the void at the top of that I find pure love.  It seems that pain and anger bring wisdom and knowledge.  Ecstasy and bliss bring love and joy.  I welcome both directions.  You should know that, because I’m fully aware that a vision of me screaming into a pillow int he darkness of my bedroom is probably not a nice one for you.  For me, it’s just part of the process.  I’ve learnt to feel things on an enormous spectrum.  So yes, there is terrible anger and sadness, but there is also mind-blowing, better than any drug, bliss and love.  I’ve wondered if that’s bipolar, but I always feel in control.  Maybe.  Who knows.  Who cares.  It’s life.

You have not lived my experience, so you cannot know my experience, as much as I cannot claim to know yours. I have whole-heartedly and honestly attempted to describe my experience through the words on this blog over the past two years, however it is but a tiny window into my soul.  I have written extensively on the subject of my health.  The sad fact is that I have felt as though something was not quite right, physically, with my body since my mid-teens.  I remember struggling to stay awake in class sometimes at school.  The digestive problems started around that time too, 16 or 17.  Debilitating stomach aches.  When I was 19 I started having issues with my bladder that led to an operation. I almost dropped out of uni in my third year as I was struggling to cope.  In my mid-20s I went from doctor to doctor being tested for all sorts of ailments.  I suffered from terrible arthritis in my knees and feet, my hands were often numb and cold, my digestive system got worse and worse, my hormone system was malfunctioning and I started to suffer mood swings and sexual dysfunction.  There was near constant back pain that no amount of osteopathy or physio could cure.  And fatigue. The fatigue that started to appear occasionally in class at school plagued me regularly in the workplace.  I would often doze off through afternoon meetings.  I became an expert at putting fake meetings in my diary and finding secret places to nap.

Doctors tested for lupus, thyroid dysfunction, rheumatoid arthritis, IBS, crohns, diabetes, and on and on.  They never tested for Coeliac disease.  Why??? I saw at least three gastroenterologists.  Not one thought to test for it.  Looking back now it seems madness. Nothing came back conclusive except that I did have early-onset arthritis.  The medical system is whack.  I’m sorry to all the doctors out there, most of whom just want to help people, but I have very little respect for the profession.  They know how to treat a broken leg, but for chronic diseases they just don’t have an answer.  If you have a chronic disease, come talk to me.  Doctors will likely give you a medication to mask your symptoms whilst you slowly deteriorate.  Doctor after doctor washed their hands of me when they couldn’t find the problem.  Eventually I took matters into my own hands and started to tweak my diet, becoming an early champion of the paleo way of eating.  The digestive issues started to improve, the arthritis went away, my thyroid seemed to perk up.  Life became a lot more enjoyable.  However hangovers became the bane of my existence.  They would often last for three days, but I was oblivious to why, so I drank, because that was the only time I felt free.  I started passing out, having panic attacks and scary things happened with my heart that led me to A&E, twice.  Like gluten, alcohol was removed from my life.  Life became really quite dull.  So I moved to Australia.

I spent my first year Down Under living in mouldy apartments.  High temperatures, next to a large body of water, massive humidity and poorly built buildings.  Mould is everywhere here, and it’s a silent killer.  Just look at the tragic tale of Britney Murphy and her husband.  I’m tuned into it, my local supermarket has a mouldy aroma near where the bottled water is, I hold my breath whilst walking through that section.  The coffee shop with the wonderful-looking pastries that I can’t eat has a mouldy cover out front that makes me woozy if I stand there too long.  There is a theatre in Newtown that I simply cannot go in.  Like a canary in a coal mine, if mould is there, I’ll be able to tell you.  The fatigue I’d largely eliminated with the gluten and alcohol bans came back with a vengeance.  And then I got bitten by that spider, and all hell let loose.  That insect bite put some sort of toxin in my body which was the final straw for my long suffering immune system.  That was almost four years ago.  I’ve written about it extensively on here before, I don’t need to go back over it.  I’ve made peace with it.  I’m bringing it up here for context.

Here I am today, with two decades of research into trying to find ‘health’.  Whilst many of you have been off finding love, starting families, buying houses, focusing on your careers, I’ve been distracted with trying to find ways to feel well.  I’ve covered it all off.  I eat organic and grassfed, no sugar, nothing processed.  I eat according to the body ecology diet, water in the morning, protein at lunch, carbs at night, I do regular fasts, I don’t drink, I’ve learnt how to de-stress, I practice yoga, I meditate at least twice a day, I walk a minimum of 10k steps a day, when I’m not fatigued I can run a 24 minute 5k, I do strength training, but not too much, I take my shoes off and ground, I take epsom salt baths on the reg.  I learnt to do all this, because if I don’t, I can’t function, I get really ill.  In the past year I also developed a spiritual practice, found unconditional love and the truth of life. and resolved the gigantic rift I had with my own past.  I healed my traumas, I found the joy, the gratitude, the clarity, the oneness.  Prana now runs through me and into others like lightning passing jumping from one metal rod to another.  It’s so powerful that it scares me sometimes.  I’m learning how to use it to heal others.  Which is amazing, and ridiculous.  Energy healing wasn’t even on my radar a year ago.  That may be a bit too ‘woo woo’ for you, and that’s fine, but for me it is the diamond in the rough.  The thing that enables me to find gratitude.  Enables me to feel it was worth all the hassle.

And yet, AND YET, despite all this, I am still not in good health.

I have scoliosis.  I was 27 when I found out that my back is slightly twisted.  My left shoulder slopes down lower than the right.  My neck carries my head slightly forward to balance it out.  One of my pupils is larger than the other.  My jaw hangs slightly more to one side.  My nose points slightly to the other direction.  My right hip is looser than the left.  Subtle imbalances are displayed externally throughout my body, but I’m not vain enough to care.  The real flaw lays inside my back.  The spine is the support system for the muscular skeletal system, but it is also the home of the spinal cord.  The nerves shoot out from the gaps between each vertebrae, regulating the function of the organs, the nervous, circulatory and endocrine systems.  When scoliosis causes the spine to curve laterally and unnaturally it pinches those nerves and negatively affects the functioning of those systems.  A prominent scoliosis support website says:

Accumulated stress. In milder cases, most scoliosis symptoms aren’t severe enough to impair the patient’s ability to function, but over time they can add up to a lot of strain on the body. On top of the emotional stress caused by the spine’s deformity, patients may endure chronic pain and fatigue, headaches, difficulty sleeping and digestive problems — all of which can sap vitality over time.

Amazing really, how reading a story about a runt in the litter, could lead to an insight so profound during a 4am meditation (I don’t sleep well).

This is important knowledge for me.  It’s a massive part of the puzzle.  It explains why I have not been able to find good health for the past 20 years despite trying so damn hard to find it. It explains why my body rejects foods which are mild stressors, like gluten, dairy, tomatoes, white potatoes or anything artifical or processed.  It explains why I struggle to build muscle, and lose it quickly.  It (partially) explains why my stress tolerance became low, why fatigue has been a problem.  Why my body can’t clear mould toxins, or why that spider bite wrecked me.  More than one doctor has told me that my physical ailments are all in my head, and to some extent I believe that was true.  Undoubtedly childhood trauma and my parent’s divorce affected me in a profound way, but I realised this morning, in that meditation, that it was always destined to be this way.  I wasn’t meant to live.  Nature reminds me so every day.  The intention was for me to die in my Mother’s womb.

What this realisation gives me is something beyond measure.  I know now that I can give up my exhausting search for optimal health.  It simply ain’t gonna happen.  The thirty six and a half years I’ve had to date have been an unintended bonus.  Any further days, weeks, months or years I’m gifted are a blessing.  How incredibly freeing to realise that I don’t need to try so hard any more, or question why I don’t feel so great most of the time.  Pain and suffering is my status quo.  It’s time to accept it, manage it and move on.

There is a quote that says something like:

“A man with his health will have a thousand desires, a man who has not, has only one”

This is true for me.  Everything in my life, especially in the last decade, has been of secondary importance to finding good health.  It has dominated my existence.  It is no surprise, although of course, of utmost disappointment, that I am single and without children.  I am not the bachelor who revels in his single status.  I have no interest in one night stands and casual flings.  Ever since I can remember I’ve been craving a loving, fulfilling relationship, I just haven’t been able to find it, because I’ve been a little distracted, a little lost.  The sexy, confident women I’ve been attracted to have no interest in man who is lost.

But what about if I accept my limitations?  Stop fighting the pain?  Stop trying to make a conventional life work for me?  What then?  Stephen Hawking only really flourished after his disease took away his physical body.  What’s become really apparent to me is that I feel good when I’m moving my body a lot.  When I’m out in nature, walking through the bush, swinging from trees, diving in the ocean, dedicated to my yoga practice.  Away from the pollution and craziness of cities.  I simply cannot spend forty hours a week at a desk bathing in man-made EMFs, artificial light and air conditioning anymore and expect to be ok.  My body needs to be outside and it needs to be moving.  If I want to live a long and happy life I need to cut the cord with the old life.  To commit myself to Mother Earth.  To Gaia.  I don’t know how that will work, but it will.

The microbiome, normally inherited from our mothers as we pass through the birth canal, and so in my case disrupted upon birth by C-section, needs me to be outdoors.  Caesarian babies are 10 times more likely to have asthma, 4 times more likely to have coeliac disease.  Babies who do not pass through the birth canal suffer a blow to the development of a well functioning immune system.  Is it any wonder that so many more kids have autism, behavioural issues and food allergies when elective C-sections are borderline fashionable?  From my experience you simply cannot heal a damaged gut or rescue a failing immune system with sedentary lives, indoor gyms, offices, and 40-degree yoga studios.  My body needs dedication to the practice.  It needs space.  It needs clean air, and food, and water.  I need to go live out there.  My gut has known this for some time, I’ve been thinking about it for a while.  It’s time.

I’ve seen people holding on to nothing
Broken dreams and broken cords
Running on empty, losing sleep, oh
It’s true I’ve earned these cracks upon my feet
Walk away from all that you know
Walk away and hold your own
Walk away and hold your own
And I’ve seen people holding on to something
Smiling with no place to call home
In you I see something so familiar, uh
My dear friend, so nice to have you home
Xavier Rudd, Walk Away

That last verse gives me real hope, and you know what else gives me hope.  That puppy.  That puppy who wasn’t meant to live, but did, thanks to human intervention, and went on to live a long life.  It was a life of pain and suffering, but you know what his owners said about that dog?  They said he had more love in him than he knew what to do with.  He gave that love freely to those blessed to be around him.  He was a survivor.  It seems to me I could learn a lot from that pup.

Maybe I was meant to live after all, but it’s a redundant question, it’s not worth pondering, because I am here, alive, and grateful to be here; grateful for the past; grateful for the present; grateful for the future, whatever it may bring.

And a grateful heart is a magnet for miracles.



If you would like to work with me because you’re suffering or stuck in a rut and can’t see a way out, then head over to my business page at for details on what I do and how to contact me.

Are You Ready To Step Up Into The Light?

Happiness is a choice.  Some are blessed to be gifted happiness by default, without needing to work at it. These fortunate souls are blessed, but most will take their happiness for granted.  For the rest of us, the majority of us, happiness is a choice, it takes work.  It requires a willingness to confront the scary stuff from our past, and sometimes our present, that we have pushed away.

Except we have not pushed it away at all, we have pushed it inside, deep down inside of ourselves.  It may be deep, and hidden, but it is there, and it hurts us, even when we don’t notice it.  Maybe we have become so accustomed to the pain that it has become dull.  Our normal.  Like a splinter embedded deep within the skin.  It is locked away where we can’t see it, under so many locks and keys that we can barely see what it is anymore.  All we see is a confusing mass of locks and jumbled keys.  But it is there, affecting, damaging, polluting, sabotaging, holding us back. Hurting us, and the ones we love.

Until we make the decision to take the action necessary to open those locks and expose that darkness, our happiness remains tragically stunted, numbed, hindered, half-hearted. It is the tragedy of our species.  It is the tragedy of us.  It is the tragedy of you.

If you are truly happy then congratulations, I urge you to practice gratitude for that happiness you have been bestowed, you are one of the fortunate ones.  The practice of gratitude for your happiness will serve to make you even happier.  Win!  But if you are not happy, not truly happy, then you have a choice, an opportunity, a gap to fill, dare I say it, a destiny to fulfill.  You can accept where you are at, accept that this is what you have, hope that it might get better some day…. or, OR, you can make the decision to do ‘the work’.  You sit there now, and ask yourself the question

“Am I truly happy?”

As someone who made that decision, I urge you to do the work.  the juice is worth the squeeze.  I made that decision out of necessity, I had no choice, my life was at a dead end, my health devastated, my mind gone. It was work or die.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s been difficult, confronting, unsettling, confusing, and alienating.  But it’s also been an enlightening, fun, eye-opening interesting, exhilarating and crazy experience. Two years in, I have no regrets, sure, I’ve messed up, I’ve made things messy, I’ve made mistakes, I’ve upset people, I’ve upset myself.  But here I stand, two years later, beating my fist against my chest shouting:

“I love life, I love me, I love you, HEAR ME ROAR”

Maybe you are happy hoping for better days, or maybe you are lost, but don’t know where to turn.  Hoping is unlikely to change things.  Being lost, but not seeking directions  is likely to result in only staying lost.  I have the directions, but I cannot give them to you until you ask for them.  Lord knows I have tried to give them to the people who I know desperately need them, but alas it does not work.  The desire to seek must come from within.

‘The work’  What do I mean by that?

Doing ‘the work’ is opening the door to our pain.  It is saying “enough is enough, I’m ready”.  It is welcoming the discomfort.  It is engaging in the process of self-enquiry.  It is finding the willingness to address our past.  Learning the art of vulnerability.  Prioritising the truth above all else.  Accepting nothing but the truth.  Staring at our guilt. Watching our shame. Washing ourselves in our sadness. Facing down and shaking out our fears.  When we do this, it allows some of the darkness that secretly fills parts of us to dissipate, to unravel and float away, and in its place flows what? Love.  We open those locks, we allow ourselves to experience the torture of that long forgotten, carefully hidden pain all over again, sometimes repeatedly, as many times as is needed until we have learnt the lessons.  And then, in its place, we shine the torch, the light, the love fills the cracks.  We slowly but surely become reborn.

The darkness is part of who we are, it is an element in the formula, it has been a part of our creation.  To deny it.  To hide it.  To suppress it… in my view, is a mistake.  We need the darkness to appreciate the light.  We need the darkness to teach us the lessons.  We should accept the darkness with humility, and grace. The darkness is a gift.  A gift to be grateful for.  This is how we grow.  This is now we evolve.  This is how we fulfill our potential.  This is how we find true happiness.  How we shine our light and love out into the world.  This is how we FIND OUR BEST FORM.

Maybe you don’t think you have any darkness.  Maybe you believe you are free of trauma.  But how do you know?  Maybe it is hidden so deep you’ve forgotten it is there.

Are you ready to do the work?  Many of us, myself included have lost our jobs.  Now is the time to do the job you came here to do.

Now is the time to step up.

Step up.



If you would like to work with me because you’re suffering or stuck in a rut and can’t see a way out, then head over to my business page at for details on what I do and how to contact me.


Don’t Play Their Game. Play Your Game.

‘Self Analysis’ and ‘Self Improvement’ is a mug’s game.  Let me say this.  Don’t do it.  Unless you need to, or really want to.  Just don’t do it.

But by the same token, if you’re anything like me and have an inkling that there is more to life, a stirring inside of you that wants to know more, that deep down knows there is more.  A part of you that doesn’t feel quite content, an emptiness that persists no matter what you try, or buy, or fuck, no matter where you go, who you meet, or what you experience.  If you’re like that, like me, then you have no option.  Welcome to the game.  Welcome to hell.

If you have that sensation, I know that sensation.  It starts out as a gentle gnawing, and so you try, and buy, and travel, and fuck some more, but the gnawing persists.  Slowly it grows into something less gentle, more aggravating, like a persistent ache that never really goes away, even when you stop noticing it for a short period.  Maybe you throw yourself into a new project, or a new relationship, or set a new goal and throw everything you have into that instead.

Achievement.  If I just achieve that thing I want then this gnawing, this aching, this discomfort will go away and I’ll be content then.  Then I’ll be happy.

Now, I realise that a lot of people go through their lives not feeling this way.  They are blissfully happy with their lot.  They have enough and they feel enough, and life is contented goodness.  This piece, and to be honest, probably this entire blog, is not for them.  A part of me envies that contented state such people so easily slip into.  For me, life has been a tale of working to achieve stuff that would hopefully make me happy.  Except nothing I ever tried, or bought, or fucked really made me happy.  Not in the long run.  It only ever provided temporary respite.  And then I was back looking around for something else to try, buy or fuck, to scratch that itch that always reappeared.

Self analysis.  Gawd!

So much of self improvement work appears to be goal-orientated.  Develop these new skills, achieve this inner state, or realise this ambition and you will be improved, a winner, time to feel happy and content.  Utter tosh.  That’s just the same old bullshit approach as buying a new pair of shoes or finding someone cute to get naked with.

I realised something today, whilst out for a walk with someone cute who I’d like to get naked with.  As we walked and talked I found myself talking about where I’d like to get to with my new ‘career’ as a meditation guide and trauma healer.  Later we talked, albeit briefly, about my 9-5 job.  You know, the one I spend the majority of my waking hours on, the one that actually pays the bills.  I looked to swiftly move the conversation away from that topic, fearing I’d bore her to tears, but she seemed genuinely interested.  I realised that in the process of pushing so much energy into the development of what I hope to be my future career, I have been pulling myself out of enjoying the present moments spent on the job that pays the bills.  Yes it may not be my ‘passion project’, but it’s a good job, with variety, and autonomy, and excellent people to work with, a supportive culture, free TimTams, and a healthy pay packet each month.

In my drive for spiritual growth, for enlightenment, I have been neglecting the very thing that I preach.  When I engage fully in the present moment it doesn’t really matter what I’m doing.  I could be sitting in meditation, running through a park, writing an email, guiding someone through releasing their childhood traumas, engaging in a Zoom call or aggressively hitting a tennis ball back and forth with an opponent.  All of these activities are divinely enjoyable when I am present in them.  It’s only when I get pulled into the past or the future that my happiness, my contentment with life suffers.

I don’t need to achieve anything to be happy.  In the same way I can’t find peace in trying, buying or fucking, I don’t need to be a spiritual sage, a visionary or to heal the world.  I don’t need to achieve the final stage of enlightenment.  I don’t need to do anything except be present.  Being present frees me from the doubt, from the unfulfilled desires, from the pain, distraction, rumination and judgement.  Being present is enlightenment.

Being present is being like the dog off the leash running wild with the other unleashed dogs.  In fact it’s not like being a dog at all.  It’s a wolf.  Running wild with the wolves.  Who wouldn’t want to live life like that?

This is the most wonderful delusion of them all.  It is the most attainable of goals, and yet for so many it seems so completely out of reach.  All you have to do to be present is to give up.  To surrender.  To forgive the past and be grateful for the present.  I know this, and yet how easy it is to slip back into that age old delusion that goals, any goals, must be achieved.  That I must save others from their suffering.  That I must find a good woman to lay with.  Even when the new goals seem somewhat morally superior, it’s still the same old crock of shit.

The game is rigged.  The only way I win is by refusing to buy into the notion that I must win in order to win.  I’m not saying don’t play, but don’t play their game.  Just play your game.  This is life.  Spend the first half building something.  Spend the second half ripping it back down.

How utterly refreshing.  Game over.



If you would like to work with me because you’re suffering or stuck in a rut and can’t see a way out, then head over to my business page at for details on what I do and how to contact me.